The E(nemma)ys

Posted on August 29, 2014 by gumbywan

You know I love television, I’ve promoted its cultural, psychological, and physical benefits here in this blog enough. You know that. But the Emmys are the one exception. This batch of back slapping circle jerkers get together each year to supposedly “celebrate” the best of the best. Well, I’m going to tell you this incestuous relationship only leads to celebrating the worst of the best, the best being TV of course. If this was truly the best where was River Monsters? Where were the Kardashians on the so called red carpet? Where were the housewives of New Jersey, the Amish Mafia, The Barefoot Contessa? And most of all, where was season 11 of the most watched drama on network television, Naval Criminal Investigative Service? Where was Emily Wickersham? What a joke. Most importantly, where was my vote? Where does the common man/woman get his/her say?

Meanwhile shows like Orange is the New Crap, Game of Throwups, Downtown Abbey continue to garner undeserved accolades. Talk about a crime that should be investigated. Put Gibbs’ team on it!

The problem is the Emmy council, or whatever you call it, is run by one of the international conspiracy outfits, the highly secretive Bilderbergs, The Council on Foreign Relations, or the Trilateral Commission. Maybe somebody else. I’m sure Alex Jones knows. It’s another example of the elite oligarchs thinking they know what’s better for “the masses.” The idea should not be about what’s good for us, but about maintaining the liberty of our entertainment choices. These eggheads and silver spoon manipulators think they should rule the common man for his own good. Well listen up folks, the last time I checked this was still a representative republic and not a dictatorship. But democracy only happens when the common man takes the military-industrial-media bull by the horns and dumps the elites out of the thrones of Emmy power.

Good TV

We need the equivalent of an Emmy Tea Party. Boycott the awarded shows on cable and streaming media. Threaten to drop HBO and PBS from your satellite package. On commercial television refuse to buy from corporations that continue to advertise during these bad shows. Disguise ourselves as ethnic stereotypes and raid the local Best Buy or WalMart and dump the DVDs for shows like Big Bang Theory or the overtly socialist Saturday Night Live into the equivalent of Boston Harbor. Make the Emmy a death sentence for any show that truly doesn’t deserve it. That is the only chink in the armor of the elite media types and we need to drive a wedge into it. All they respond to is money, money, money, so hit ’em where it hurts ’em the most.

Bad TV

Only if we, the common people, wrestle the reigns of power from the elitist snobs and the fixers can we hope to keep television the life enriching, some say life saving medium, it was always meant to be. Maybe then the Emmys will mean something good. Otherwise you are going to be consigned to watching Modern Family for the rest of your life. Need I say more?

Thomas Ligotti

Posted on August 15, 2014 by gumbywan

Thomas Ligotti is my kind of guy, sorta. He always expects the worst. He spends all his time worrying about how he’s going to suffer and die and expects that everyone else is just the same, except some of us are better at fooling ourselves about the outcome. That makes him mad. He thinks all the folks that don’t worry about dying and suffering are deceiving themselves and just distracting themselves with ideas of afterlives or just having a good time, you know, trying not to think about it. And he’s right, but these other folks are a whole lot happier than he is. Now we can see the real problem, sorta.

Ligotti has a big head, a really big head and that’s why he thinks about all these dreary things all the time instead of watching television or playing golf. He’s always talking about how consciousness and self awareness are a tragedy and a curse on humankind; a crappy adaptation that evolution sneaked in there. The thing he forgets is most people are really unconscious most of the time anyway, even when they’re not sleeping; they’re clueless about this kind of stuff, so why does he want to remind them and take them into his pity party? Leave them alone with their fairy tale lives. Don’t bring ’em down. Don’t rain on their parade. Not enough hobbies I guess. Not enough television. Not enough high speed internet downloading those “short films.”

Well what’s Ligotti’s answer? Don’t have any kids. That’s it. What, you say? That makes him feel better about things? Yeah, his basic argument is that by having kids we doom all the future generations to the suffering and death we have so we shouldn’t have any: antinatalism they call it. Let the species die out. Well if Ligotti had any kids he wouldn’t be worrying about his great grandbaby’s suffering, he’d be worrying about his own suffering trying to deal with his own kids, getting them through college and boyfriends, etc. I bet his parents suffered plenty with him. Forget about future generation’s suffering. Besides his kids would be the kind that would suffer because all the bullies would rag them about their egghead dad.

I think his problem maybe is really low testosterone and therefore low sperm count. He isn’t gettin’ it on enough. Only those coffin chicks would even consider hangin’ out with him he’s so dreary and down. He needs to jerk it more too, take some of the tension and pressure off it. He can’t have kids so he wants us to join him. Sour grapes.

Ligotti writes a horror story about once every decade or so, when he isn’t feeling sorry for himself and the rest of us. They’re pretty good, but enigmatic. Now I don’t expect you to understand a word like that, nor a story like that, because you are correctly spending your time feeling good and not worrying about future generation’s suffering or how the joke’s on us. Stay away from funerals. Hide the razorblades.

Sure, we’re all going to step off the pier sometime, but why waste any time thinking about that? Remember I told you to always expect the worst, so now that that’s over let’s move on to feelin’ good.

I’ve given you all the prescription you need in this blog to quit thinking about that dirt nap: TV, NCIS, loud music, giant monster movies, malt liquor. So, mix up some cocktails and turn on the wide screen to some NCIS and put a Chuck Berry record on that stereo set ’cause we’re goin’ out with a buzz in our heads and a smile on our faces.

What’s so bad about feelin’ good for the rest of your miserable little life?

Shunned

Posted on November 16, 2013 by gumbywan

It seems I’ve been shunned, cast into the dust bin of the blogoshphere. This isn’t to be unexpected. Great minds have always been unrecognized in their lifetimes and the fact that I warn you, the 50% that are below average, off the most important and mind expanding posts, for your own good I might add, just makes it harder to be heard and appreciated.

Maybe it is because so many of you have taken my advice and devoted your life to not caring about anything, always expecting the worst, and a D minus effort. Maybe your spouse is pushing cheeseburgers under your locked bedroom door as you watch endless reruns of NCIS from your 11 season BluRay DVD collection. Perhaps you’ve discarded your cell phone and landline and your internet connection to take yourself off the grid so the NSA cannot peep on your miserable little life. You’ve given up that daily torture ritual you called fitness and sold your Nautilus machine and stationary bike and canceled your gym membership. This means you’ve taken my advice to heart. Maybe I should be glad I get so few hits and that your apathy is a testament to my persuasiveness.

I should have expected this; taken my own advice and expected the worst (for me personally). At least you have lightened my load and I can quit doing all the heavy lifting here as you tell the friends that wonder what happened to you, why they never see you, about your new, better, lifestyle. Perhaps this whole thing has gone viral but in a non-digital way, by old fashioned word of mouth.

I feel better now knowing that you have ceased to care that the Affordable Care Act insurance exchanges never work or that another government shutdown is looming in a few months, or that the Philippines are under water . This means I’ve done my job making your life just a little better and that in turn makes my life just a little better as well.

Keep up the D minus effort and we’ll all make it to the grave just a little bit less stressed out.

Dogs Playing Cards

Posted on November 11, 2013 by gumbywan

Okay here’s a new one in the self-improvement vein. Most of you have little interest in improving your intellect so just piss off now, you’re wasting your time and my breath here. This is of no import to your life so just move on. For those of you still here, today’s critical essay is about the visual arts. It’s mainly about flat things you stick on the wall but we may touch on three dimensional objects known as sculptures too. What I’m going to do is try to bring your knowledge of art up to at least a Kindergarten level. It’s a tough pull but I’m game if you are..

Crap “Art”

Most colorful objects that you stick on the wall, so-called paintings, are crap. Why? Because they can’t move around and they are not about anything relevant. Since the advent of film and television the static graphic objects: paintings, prints, tapestries, sculpture, etc. are irrelevant and boring. Technology has passed traditional art by. It’s perpetually standing at the bus stop of history during a transit strike. It’s Luddite thinking.

More Crap

However before TV and movies paintings and such were relevant forms of entertainment. There was nothing to do except reading parlor novels and playing the piano, so if you weren’t musically gifted, as you surely aren’t, sitting around literally watching the paint dry was pretty exciting. But of course the graphic arts went through its ups and downs too. There was okay art like the Impressionists and bad art like Cubism and Jackson Pollock.

Dogs Playing Cards

Well the pinnacle of oil painting and most static art in general was Dogs Playing Cards. Yep, you knew it deep down inside if you have ever seen this collection of 19 paintings by the unjustly overlooked C.M. Coolidge. If you look at the Wikipedia entry for this there is a lot of misinformation probably added by some self styled artiste. Don’t believe it. I’m here to set the record straight. Any simp can edit Wikipedia and there is a lot of nonsense in there like the earth is 4 billion year old and earthquakes are from the continents moving around (Did you ever see a continent move?). As if. Just because these were commissioned for cigar adverts doesn’t mean that they couldn’t be the best paintings that ever were. It is well known that lesser achievements like the Moana Lisa were painted to sell olive oil and Andy Warhol was commissioned to sell canned soup. So there!

Vintage Olive Oil Adverts

But C.M. was no sellout. I know for a fact that he was really commissioned to paint people playing poker but true to his artistic ideals he refused to change his subject matter and you cannot say he wasn’t a true revolutionary, nobody painted dogs doing stuff other than walking around or chasing foxes before this. He risked being ridiculed and never making a dime. My personal favorite has always been Sitting Up With a Sick Friend but all of them are classic. Coolidge even created the school of anthropomorphic art and this has continued until even today, but the zenith was still Dogs Playing Cards, a success never to be equaled.

Sitting Up With A Sick Friend

To digress for a moment, one thing that Dogs Playing Cards has also shown is that women don’t get true art. Women just don’t dig Dogs Playing Cards, or the Three Stooges for that matter. Dogs Playing Cards prints can mostly be found in places like a wood paneled finished basement where the pool table or second TV with the video games usually are; a man’s realm. Or so called “Men’s Clubs” around the bar area. Men appreciate good art and drunks can spend literally hours looking at the exquisite details in these paintings when they aren’t watching sports or action movies..

Well even Dogs Playing Cards is ignored these days, swamped by the technological artistic wonders of television, movies, and “short films” on the internet static art has been left behind. Now the only reason to buy a a painting or print is to cover a hole or stain on the wall, or a safe. You might as well put another TV up anywhere where there used to be a painting.

So go out right now and get some Dogs Playing Cards prints to cover up that place where you put your fist through the wall in a drunken rage. Also avoid those self styled art museums like the plague unless you want to be frisked for a few bucks to look at your shoes for two hours. Go to a movie instead. Better yet find a rerun of NCIS on TV and If you got this far, don’t say I never did anything for you.

I’m Here For You

Posted on November 6, 2013 by gumbywan

A lot of people blog because they have a big ego and think tens of thousands of people out there are going to hang on their every word. They want people to nod their heads for every opinion they write about. They want comments about how brilliant and how oh so right they are. They think everyone wants to look into their private psychoses and their dreary website and affirm their useless digital scribblings. It’s all about me, me, me…

Well this blog is different, it’s all about you, you, you. I’m here for you. I’ve got your back. What other blogger warns you off some posts while putting others out there that you know will improve your life? Don’t some posts seem to have been written just for you personally? Huh? Do you think I’d sit here punching this keyboard if I didn’t feel an urgent social responsibility? I’ve got tons of episodes of NCIS on the DVR and I could be parking my lazy ass on the divan and enjoying the best TV program ever made. But no, I’m here trying to improve your miserable life, a complete stranger. That’s how big I am; a giving person, a servant.

Where You’ll End Up

Oh sure I have to use tough love sometimes and point out the deficiencies in you and your world but you know it’s for your own good. I don’t like doing it but somebody has to or you are going to end up on the trash heap of humanity. I worry about you all the time, especially the 50% of you that are below average. I stay up late trying to think of something that is going to stick in your little pea brain, that can pull you up from the desperate and hopeless state you are currently in.

Fairies and Rainbows

I try to temper these intense self-improvement posts with other posts of whimsy and carefree fun that will brighten your otherwise dreary day. I add the occasional important current event because I know you haven’t touched a newspaper in years and when you did all you cared about was what the Kardashians were doing. See these are all for your own good too. I spend a lot of time each and every day thinking about how to get through to you and improve your life just a little. I put all my needs aside to serve you, dear reader.

I’m Here for You!

Well I just wanted you to know that when the chips are down, like they always are for you, you can count on me. I wanted you to know I’m making more than a D minus effort for you. Whatever disaster comes into your world I’ll be putting all my resources into how best to deal with it and keep you from circling the drain. Think of me as the FEMA of bloggers, but in a better way that actually arrives in time and helps the afflicted.

Remember I’m here if you need me and I’m ready to make time for you day or night. Oh, and like I’ve told you before, lowered expectations are the key to a less than miserable life so just expect the worst and everything will be all right.

Television

Posted on August 3, 2013 by gumbywan

I promised to tell you how watching television can enhance any part of your life and with today’s 21st Century wireless technology the future of 24 hour TV is even closer than you think. As you know I’m not here to disappoint so hang in there while I get up a full head of steam.

Now think about it, what do you like better than watching TV? Be honest. Okay, I’ll give you that but TV second best, I’m going to show you how even #1 can be made better with television. So now we have established that TV viewing is just about the thing you most like to do. On top of that it is one of the most relaxing pastimes. It’s so relaxing you can even sleep in front of the TV and you should for your mental health. C’mon, what other hobby lets you sleep while you do it? So don’t tell me that mountain biking or kayaking is more relaxing than TV viewing. Even going to a movie or, god forbid, live theater, isn’t as enjoyable and relaxing as sitting front of the ol’ telly. Try to sleep sitting up in those “stadium seats” after you’ve shelled out $100 for tickets and concessions. You can’t rewind, record, fast forward through the boring parts, stop to get a better look at an actress’s breasts, none of that. You can’t stop it to go to the bathroom, that’s a game breaker for me. Inferior entertainment. The good news is that even if you are chained to your spouse, friends, family, or kids that insist on doing any sort of these tier two or three hobbies or entertainments you can now always enhance that experience and make it less tedious with television!

Let’s get right down to first and second best: sex and TV. How can we combine these? Well there’s a rich mans solution and the poor man’s solution. Rich Man: 60 inch or better LED 1080p on every surface in your bedroom even above the head board and the ceiling. The poor man’s solution has some actual advantages over the rich man solution: mirrors on every surface and only one or two 1080p LEDs (as big as you can make ’em) placed strategically. Now when your team scores you can score! You’re doing both your favorite things at the same time unless she’s a two bagger and then you can stick with the sports. In case you’re wondering both these solutions are actually gender neutral and also work for the G&L crowd too, I just used a guy example because they generally like both sex and TV more than gals.

Here’s another problem solved. How to use TV when engaging in a more active lifestyle. Let’s take mountain hiking and camping. Both spouses can mount a small TV in their backpack. All you have to do is cut a little window in the back of each pack and voila, even the remote will work. Now only the following parties can watch but if you change places regularly everyone else can take their turn. You can even get your kids to participate in active leisure time (what an oxymoron) activities with you. Only broadcast and DVDs will work with this setup while moving (make sure you get a shock-free DVD player and a battery powered or better yet a solar powered setup). Once you setup camp or your picnic you can break out the dish and enjoy literally hundreds of channels instead of telling dull stories or worse yet, singing around the camp fire. Have each person haul at least one extra (or better yet more) charged Li batteries and a solar charger. Leave out food, water, and other extra stuff if necessary to save weight.

Now with the heads-up-display TVs in glasses offered there literally is no excuse to not watch TV constantly and we have now proved that everything is enhanced by television. Today there is no reason for you to whine about that mall trip or the amusement park so no more bitching about how I never make your life better.

I’ve got to finish this NCIS marathon I’ve been watching while I’ve been putting this together so excuse the typos. I hope your miserable life has at least been slightly improved.

Special NCIS Agent Ziva David

Spooks and Leaks

Posted on July 29, 2013 by gumbywan

I bet I got your attention with that title. Why did you think about one thing first? You sinners are all alike.

NSA Spooks and Peepers

What I want to talk about is government spooks = spies, intelligence (what an oxymoron!), and any manner of creepy government law enforcement agency that lusts after your personal information (pretty much everyone from the IRS head to the CIA janitor). These freaks actually think they are serving the public interest by knowing about everything from your shopping habits to your bathroom habits. They also want to label everything Top Secret that they gather so you and I won’t know what or how they gather it and what they gather, and especially how illegal that might be. On top of this they will label Top Secret any embarrassing information they don’t want you to see whether it should be secret or not because they know better than you what is good for you and the United States in general.

Conspiracy Theories

Now I’m not a big conspiracy theory believer like former governor and AWA wrestling legend Jesse “The Body” Ventura. Anytime you get more than two powerful people in a room someone of them is going to squeal or otherwise “compromise” any agreement to get what they personally want over the others. Powerful people are almost always double crossers and if they think they can get more by ratting and they also think there is a reasonable chance of getting away with it (or just killing their co-conspirators), they’re going to do it. Think about it. Think about experiences you’ve had at work, with government, at church, at fraternal organizations, even in your social circle. Somebody always outs the information and we all know what they thought they were up to. Hence I don’t think the Trilateral Commission or the Bilderbergers are up to anything more than a lot of back slapping and circle jerking. What I’m getting to is I do think when these things leak out of the government they are probably real and not just someone (like me) playing Chicken Little and we ought to pay attention to it. I will also tell you why we ought to be thanking these “leakers” as patriots to the US Constitution and helping them get away with it instead of listening to all the folderol about putting them in jail or worse as traitors.

AWA’s Jesse “The Body” Ventura

Let’s go a little farther back in history. Say before the disgraceful Iraq war. Remember those “weapons of mass destruction,” WMD’s. Remember when the government tried to suppress the testimony of leading international nuclear inspectors as top secret. Well it was labeled secret because it didn’t support going to war. What other possible reason would this be classified as secret? How did it put our country at risk for this to be public knowledge? Also remember that as soon as it was outed by the leakers, we suddenly now had a war for regime change. Is there something fishy in Denmark? I’ll say!

Weapons of Mass Destruction

Now lets jump forward a little bit to Abu Gharib (I’m too lazy to look up the correct spelling for you sticklers out there). The photographs were initially suppressed by the DoD as secret. Why? Because they would have caused more allied casualties? Huh? That’s when “Top Secret” always comes in. It’s like saying we need to keep secret that we interrogated some mobsters so the mafia wouldn’t be so pissed off at the police. First when did we start being the “bad guys?” Weren’t we always supposed to be the good guy John Wayne types. Let’s get beyond this. Why were they tortured at all? For fun I presume. Now we’ve had a breakdown in our military that the US citizen needs to know. Why? Because we can never be sure it will ever be dealt with otherwise and it has to stop.

Abu Gharib Sweethearts

Jump forward to the Bradley Manning leaks to WikiLeaks. First if you read through and look at this there is nothing, I mean nothing, that put anyone in harm’s way other than by revealing we weren’t playing by the rules (international and our own) again and also not telling the truth even when we were playing by the rules. So why was it secret? Half of it was already known. It was secret because your own government is embarrassed by the fact that it doesn’t play nice, by the rules, our own rules, and doesn’t look like the good guys they want you to think they are. There was no other reason to keep this information secret.

Jump forward to now. Did you ever look at the crap Edward Snowden leaked? A bunch of PowerPoint slides that reveal nothing about how the NSA information is acquired but it did state that the way they did it would not exclude data on US citizens in the United States. This is illegal by US law. The espionage spooks cannot have operations targeted on US citizens on US soil, period. Snowden’s “revelations” did nothing to compromise US security. Nothing. It was suppressed because again, we weren’t playing by our own rules and it is embarrassing and illegal to be caught pissing in the corner with your pants down. On top of this we can also question why it is even legal for the US to spy on your phone calls to Mexico to your great grandfather, even if you both are US citizens. Bet you didn’t know that. Now if you think for a minute that international terrorists or criminals didn’t already think their calls could be monitored before Snowden’s leaks, then you are just simple minded, and he didn’t show any new way as to how they could avoid being monitored either.

What it comes down to is your government is spying on you for the purported reason of protecting you from terrorists. Did this prevent two Chechen kooks that weren’t even professional terrorists from bombing one of the most visible sporting events in the US? Ask the three people who died or those who were maimed if tapping their phones was worth it. If we get beyond that, would the country be any safer from terrorists if the TSA didn’t push you through some scanner that shows your teats and arse to everyone. Tell me how? Your chances of being killed by falling down the stairs are greater than they are from a terrorist attack. We already know your chances of being killed by a fertilizer plant explosion or a train derailment are worse. Why don’t we mobilize thousands of people tomorrow to inspect every aspect of the rail system or fertilizer production including tapping their phones to see if they are “cheating” on the regulations. The reaction to this nonsense is absurd.

Finally if you think that the government does have the capability to get your private information then you should be worried that somebody of questionable moral character might use it illegally. Do you think that government employees are any less prone to using your private information for nefarious reasons than anyone else? Why do you think that? Think about what was your last experience with a cog in the biggest bureaucracy, the federal government? Was it good? How about the last dozen? I think I’ve made my point. Government employees, and all these spooks are government employees, despite what you may like to think, are no less prone to using your private stuff illegally than anyone else on the street is. If it’s available somebody will use it eventually. Think about that next time you piss off a CIA paper pusher in the super market line or worse yet an IRS auditor. If they have it, somebody will use it. Remember that. If they can’t have it we don’t have any trust problems here then do we. Do you think the government cares if it gathers too much stuff even inadvertently? I don’t think so.

Questionable Roadblocks

If what we really cared about were people’s lives we would take everyone in the war on drugs, the TSA, the NSA (and their sister agencies), federal law enforcement and put them out on the roads conducting questionable, but somehow legal, road blocks to look for drunk drivers. We would save thousands more lives if we even let all the other cranks go. It’s a matter of priority and your freedoms. Why don’t we do it? Well there’s no power in arresting drunks. It’s no fun like being a spy is.

Don’t believe what your government says to you. Don’t believe what multinational corporations say to you. Don’t believe unless you skeptically examine the truth of the statements they make. They all think they know better than you how to “take care” of you.

Naval Criminal Investigative Service

Posted on July 11, 2013 by gumbywan

Welcome back friends and relatives. Did you enjoy our little diversion into the wistful memories of childhood? Were you taken back to the years of your wasted youth? Well today we are back to serious business so no talking in the back there. Hey, you, do you want to share that with everybody? No, I didn’t think so, sit down and pay attention.

Today’s essential essay deals with the television program Naval Criminal Investigative Service, NCIS. I’m going to show you why this is not only the most entertaining and inspiring but also the most important show on TV today. If you watch nothing else on TV, you should be watching NCIS. The very survival of our democracy and your sanity depends on it and you know I never exaggerate.

Where to start? Hmmm. A little history. I’m not going to look up the dates because I’m lazy and exact details don’t matter anyway, what we’re going for here is the big picture (I give you all sorts of little hints about how to make your life easier by cutting corners so pay attention. Try to take away SOMETHING). NCIS was actually a spin-off of JAG and is one of the rare instances on TV where the spin-off actually exceeded the parent. Now I never watched JAG but I know from hearsay that NCIS is better, so trust me on this. I’ve seen the pilot NCIS episode say 20 times so I can tell you that most of the critical elements that make NCIS so compelling and intelligent were there at the start and are still there now. This is important in today’s fast changing world where tradition is casually thrown on the trash heap of history. NCIS has maintained the same basic formula for like, don’t quote me on this, 11 seasons. Why is this so important? Because contrary to popular belief, repetition is the spice of life and the thing that makes living tolerable. Gibbs, Ducky, Tony, Abby, and Kaitlyn were there from the pilot episode (Kate was in the Secret Service though for this premier episode).

As you can see the casting was exquisite. Putting aging ex-football star, pretty boy, and method actor Mark Harmon at the helm was sheer brilliance (Did any of you ever see that movie where Mark Harmon plays Ted Bundy? Outstanding.). The range of his ability made the ensemble almost beyond failure. The next stroke was resurrecting David McCallum who all the old folks, the primary broadcast TV demographic, would probably remember from The Man From UNCLE. Then the third stroke of genius was the casting of Goth Pauley Perrette as the quirky but cheery forensic scientist Abby Sciuto. With this three legged thespian stool as a foundation you could pretty much throw any actor or actress into the mix and come out with a winner, however Michael Weatherly (Tony) and Sasha Alexander (Kate) turned out to be no light weights either.

Over the years there have been some changes: Kate was tragically killed off by a berserk terrorist and was sort of replaced by the equally talented and beautiful Cote de Pablo (What kind of a name is that?) as the character Ziva David. The characters of McGee and Mr. Palmer and the agency Director as well as some on and off characters were added in but never was the basic formula tampered with. This is the key to it’s success: second verse same as the first.

Now to me watching NCIS is like family. I’m on a first name basis with all the characters, even the minor ones, and I think about the cast as real people, and you should too. These characters are all meant to be lovable, good looking, and quirky just like real people should be so you should act like they are real people that can affect your lives. Talk as though what they said in the show is real. Your otherwise miserable life will be richer for it.

Your NCIS Family

Why do I tell you all this? Well for your mental health. You need some funny but strong and lovable people to anchor your miserable life on. People you can count on since the real people you know are never going to come through for you, so why shouldn’t it be television characters? Pretend Tony and Ziva are your neighbors. Invite them over for coffee. Imagine rich conversations and interactions with them. Relive key moments in NCIS with Gibbs in a cheerful casual way at a barbecue. Every time you look at NCIS from now on all the characters are going to be like people you really know and love. And unlike real people they’re never going to let you down. They’re everything you wish you and your friends could be but never will be: intelligent, creative, courageous, kind, witty, good looking, pretty much the whole upbeat package. The worst that can happen to you is that some of these good qualities might rub off on you and bring you one more step up from the primordial ooze. What’s to lose?

I could get into all sorts of other technical reasons why NCIS is excellent on so many levels, camera angles, direction, special effects, body doubles, mise-en-scene, montage, but I’d be wasting breath on the unteachable and I don’t know much about them, and they don’t really matter anyway (triple whammy!).

The other real reason to watch NCIS is it is all true! All that stuff they do on their computers, phones, and surveillance cameras is 100% correctamento. How do we know this? Edward Snowden, that Jeffersonian patriot weasel who ratted out the NSA surveillance spooks. He confirmed that all that crap that McGee and Abby and Tony do on their computers to listen in on your phone calls or your Facebook page or your e-mail are 100% real. Yep.

Edward Snowden – Patriot

So where’s the problem you say? I knew you weren’t paying attention. NCIS is TV not reality. Forget that right now. Sure we can trust our private communication with Abby or McGee or even Gibbs, but these are not real people, they’re characters played by actors. Get that through your thick head. Where did you ever get that goofy idea that these were real people? Not real! Whereas Gibbs et al are only going to use your vital information to catch the real bad guys and are going to forget it the minute they don’t need it, the real world doesn’t work like that. The real NCIS (and by inference all federal law enforcement agencies) are out to screw you, not protect you. Think about it. They are in actuality filled with people like you or me, vengeful little spiteful nobodies who want to get their little piece of the pie by using your e-mail and phone calls to blackmail you or harass you to kingdom come. Or worse.

Stay with me here. I’m not sure why you are having so much trouble separating fantasy from reality right now but you need to steady the boat a bit.

The people that are employed by the US Government come out of the same cesspool that other employers get their employees from (remember 50% are below average). Sure they’re vetted but only so they won’t rat or take drugs. It doesn’t say anything about not using a little “free time” to access your credit card transactions to Rubber Novelty World and making a little pocket change on the side. Remember most of these people are hardly being paid enough to live on. What would you do given the same circumstances? And we haven’t even gotten to the peepers yet.

Peepers

Peepers, yes that’s right, the peepers, freaks who want to look at you and your kids naked and self gratify. We already know schools, churches and daycares are full of these freaks so why should NCIS be immune. Via all sorts of bugs, surveillance cameras, and even the webcam on your laptop they are getting their thrills while you go about your seedy private business blissfully unaware. You know, you’ve seen it used on NCIS, in that episode with the school bomber. And I’ve just proven to you that if it is on NCIS it’s most certainly true. Unlike films and live theater, you can’t put stuff on TV that isn’t true or possible. It would warp children. You already knew that.

So now you are armed. I expect you to be tuning into America’s #1 broadcast show religiously. Watch the new shows faithfully on CBS. Watch the back to back rerun marathons on the USA cable network. You will be better informed, more sane, and maybe your pitiful life will just be a little richer for it.

On The Ropes

Posted on June 30, 2013 by gumbywan

Today is kind of different so no goofing off. Hey you, sit down and pay attention. Unlike other posts where I’ve kept things back for your own good, or those posts that I told you not to read because they were too esoteric, well here we’re goin’ to school so sit down and shaddup. Don’t make me come over there! This is a serious topic, not like the Casey Anthony killing or Jon Benet Ramsay. What I want to tell you about is the sorry state of Professional Wrestling today.

Now I don’t watch much television but what I do watch I like a lot. On Monday nights I’m usually watching Naval Criminal Investigative Service, NCIS, on USA network. I love it, back to back episodes. That Goth forensic scientist Abby Sciuto is a hoot, and Gibbs, well, will Gibbs ever crack a smile? I’ll tell you someday why NCIS is the most sophisticated and intellectual drama ever aired on television, but not today. Think future. I don’t want to make your head explode. Anyway on Mondays at 8 pm ET my NCIS bliss is interrupted by that abomination that calls itself Professional Wrestling: WWE Raw.

Now WWE just sucks. John Cena and The Rock suck. Big breasted women holding match cards suck the worst. Half the time it looks like Cena is wrestling in capris which is a disgrace to both pro wrestling and our armed forces. The people who like wrestling now are retards and knuckle-draggers. The only thing worse than the current crap that pawns itself off as “professional” wrestling is reality television and MTV. Vince McMahon ruined professional wrestling. Wrestling today is 1970s Elvis versus 1950s Elvis. That pretty much sums it up.

Let’s get one thing straight before we go any further. This rant has nothing to do with that so-called amateur sport (see above) where geeks (or Greeks) grapple on mats; that stuff they do in college and the Great Spectator Sport Swindle: The Olympics. Not that crappy amateur stuff. We’re talking Professional here not the stuff where nobody gets paid and nobody gets to wear the unbelievably ostentatious title belt. Nobody, but nobody, really likes watching that even if they say so, even if there seem to be certain doppelgangers that show up in both the professional and amateur “sports” from time to time. They have nothing to do with each other. Forget that amateur crap. Now that I think about it, it may be even worse (= more boring) than the WWE.

Pro wrestling now is expensive and sleazy. I liked it when it was cheap and sleazy. The classic wrestling era was the ’50s to the ’80s. After that it went downhill. Overshadowed by glitzy and expensive special effects, people forgot the true nature of the sport and worse yet, wrestlers forgot how to wrestle. Today’s wrestler is a poster boy for steroid abuse who cannot even master the basic “Claw” maneuver. Some of them actually think they can “act” and have fall back careers in traditional entertainment.

But here’s the real bombshell, unlike the classic era, today’s Battle Royales are staged! That’s right you heard it here first, the whole mess is rigged; fixed worse than a Las Vegas roulette wheel. Big money took over and the whole thing turned into show business with the outcomes as predictable as a Stephen King novel. Hell predictable, they’re scripted! Everyone except you, my microcephalic reader, knows what’s gonna happen in the ring.

So the current state of wrestling is essentially that of a big-buck crappy Broadway show (see above). A theater performance nightly, and we know where that leads. No wonder some of them think they can become “actors.” Now you don’t know this but I will enlighten you in a future post, you’re just going to have to trust me here now (you know you can): live theater is not worth talking about or watching because it is technologically inferior to movies and television. Hence the current “staged” state of wrestling is not worth a longhorn turd as far as sports or entertainment is concerned. Don’t you love how I bring logic into the mix to prove incontrovertibly the sorry state of things today?

Well what’s to be done? Here’s my prescription: first throw out the current WWE management and replace them with the likes of the golden era’s American Wrestling Association (AWA from now on), guys like Verne Gagne (see photo below) who could spot a real wrestler, not just some steroid pumped pretty boy. Clean house!

Verne Gagne

Move the matches to smaller venues. These big arenas draw graft and cheating like flies to a dead carp. Let’s use high school gymnasiums, church fellowship centers, senior centers, places that keep the mob riff raff and fixers out. Places where folding chairs can be substituted for “stadium seating.”

Bring back real international athletes. That’s right: Crushers, Bruisers, Chechens, Nazis, Bolsheviks, titled nobility, Sheiks, ethnically stereotyped berserkers, throw in a few Al Qaeda athletes for an international terrorist flavor. It is essential to get not just talented athletes but ones people can hate without a second thought. How can somebody possibly get worked up about someone wearing makeup called “The Undertaker,” “Triple H,” or guys with monikers that sound like rapper’s names?

Titled Nobility

Impose mandatory drug tests. The current crop of steroid crazed thespians need to be weeded out. No more steroids. No more performance enhancers. No more athletes that trained with Lance Armstrong. I favor a one strike and out philosophy. None of this namby-pamby rehab and second chance stuff. You’ve brought disgrace on a time honored sport and you need to be degraded and humiliated for it.

Make the rules stick. For crying out loud, a lifetime suspension should stick for at least, say, two weeks minimum. Suspended athletes should not be allowed anywhere near the venue until the Commissioner has lifted the suspension. Foreign objects (see brass knuckles below) in the ring should never be larger than a folding chair. Coming off the top rope should only be allowed when the referee’s back is turned. You know, put some common sense back into the rules and enforce them.

And finally, keep the big money out. That’s what ruined the NFL and NBA where rigged games are now considered the “norm.” Once the big money is in then the mafia moves in and before you know it so-called athletes with a trumped up college transcript are making millions of dollars to take a dive, drop a ball, or throw an entire game. That’s one of the reasons I don’t “participate” in today’s spectator sports. They’re all staged, unlike the classic era of professional wrestling where you could count on a generally good clean match with athletes you could really look up to.

Maybe there is hope. Ring of Honor Wrestling looks like it might have all the elements that made the classic era so great while still being updated for the 21st century. We can only pray and count to ten.

Welcome to my dreary life…

Hide the razorblades…

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