facebook is dead. Yep, you heard it here first. facebook is so uncool. It’s your grandma’s social network. facebook is trading recipes and gifs of Grumpy Cat. How cool is that? Cool as a Harley, right? You have to get out of your walker or wheelchair to get on one and then ride to a KISS concert. Maybe your live-in nurse can get you on it. facebook is the conversion van of social networks, complete with handicapped plates.
The Essence of Cool
I’m not sure where all the cool people went. It wasn’t back to MySpace. SoundCloud seems pretty upscale. Maybe Pinterest. Probably tumblr.
twitter seems to have hung in there. I think all the cool people went over there. So if you want to be cool get on over to twitter where the 4 billion cool people are. Be on the cutting edge and tweet your every fart. You know that hash-tag thing we used to call a pound sign. That’s where it’s at. This year’s model, anyway.
I know a lot of you have been waiting with baited breath for my next post, but I’ve been busy; unlike you I’ve been busy with this thing called Life. Oh sure, I’m still putting in 110% for you but now I have to put in 210% just to keep up with life too. And unlike you I don’t have a lot of “free time” on my hands jerking at work on your computer while you should be working on that spreadsheet and graph to make your boss look better. I also don’t want to waste your time with posts that are about nothing at all, although I happen to know you have a lot of time and something else on your hands. Unlike other bloggers my posts are always full of useful and important content, not just me blabbing about how I was constipated yesterday but now I’m okay. Who wants to read something like that? Other bloggers think you want to know whenever they pick their nose. Nobody wants that. Even somebody as important as the President of the United States, you wouldn’t want to know when he picks his nose, now would you? So I don’t waste your already worthless life with things that are not relevant to it and are all about me.
Be patient, as it says in Ecclesiastes: there is a time for everything, or something like that.
That International Feel post wasn’t that great. I’m a big man, in more ways than one, so I’m big enough to admit it was a D minus effort, but that’s water under the bridge, as they say. Unlike most of you I don’t make the same mistake twice so you don’t have to wait for another opportunity to poke your finger in my eye. Ain’t gonna happen. Get over it.
Hey, I bought this NSA t-shirt from Woot.com. The folks over there know about real patriotism. It says “NSA” but if you look really close it has all these little quotes from The Constitution, Thomas Jefferson, and Thomas Paine, and their ilk, about freedom that makes up the NSA letters. I don’t expect many of you to know much about this or these guys but they are the true patriots of history and said way back then (18th century) that the NSA was bad and was going to spy on American citizens if somebody wasn’t vigilant and rat out the “Organization.” Back then the NSA just peeped in your window and opened your mail, but now it’s way more sophisticated as I’ve pointed out in previous posts. Pretty cool, huh? I suppose if I wear it in Washington “somebody” will just stick a microscopic poison pellets in my leg and that’ll be it. One of those cardboard box campers will end up wearing my shirt. The price of freedom.
Well I just wanted you to know I wasn’t dead but I’m also not one of those bloggers to put up a long post about nothing at all just so I can see my name in print. So until the muse calls again, I’ll be silent.
It seems I’ve been shunned, cast into the dust bin of the blogoshphere. This isn’t to be unexpected. Great minds have always been unrecognized in their lifetimes and the fact that I warn you, the 50% that are below average, off the most important and mind expanding posts, for your own good I might add, just makes it harder to be heard and appreciated.
Maybe it is because so many of you have taken my advice and devoted your life to not caring about anything, always expecting the worst, and a D minus effort. Maybe your spouse is pushing cheeseburgers under your locked bedroom door as you watch endless reruns of NCIS from your 11 season BluRay DVD collection. Perhaps you’ve discarded your cell phone and landline and your internet connection to take yourself off the grid so the NSA cannot peep on your miserable little life. You’ve given up that daily torture ritual you called fitness and sold your Nautilus machine and stationary bike and canceled your gym membership. This means you’ve taken my advice to heart. Maybe I should be glad I get so few hits and that your apathy is a testament to my persuasiveness.
I should have expected this; taken my own advice and expected the worst (for me personally). At least you have lightened my load and I can quit doing all the heavy lifting here as you tell the friends that wonder what happened to you, why they never see you, about your new, better, lifestyle. Perhaps this whole thing has gone viral but in a non-digital way, by old fashioned word of mouth.
I feel better now knowing that you have ceased to care that the Affordable Care Act insurance exchanges never work or that another government shutdown is looming in a few months, or that the Philippines are under water . This means I’ve done my job making your life just a little better and that in turn makes my life just a little better as well.
Keep up the D minus effort and we’ll all make it to the grave just a little bit less stressed out.