Major League Football

I’m not a spectator sports fan but if I was I wouldn’t watch soccer (foot boul). We all know that soccer (football) has become the most popular sport on the planet only because you don’t need much gear to play the game, ball, makeshift goals, that’s it. But that’s to play the game, not watch it. It’s fun to play. But, 90 minutes of no scoring, players grabbing their shins and falling down but miraculously healing when the yellow or red card comes out, is not entertaining when you’re only watching. It’s dull. Worse than golf or tennis. Almost worse than cricket. No wonder fans just get pissed when there’s so much of nothing going on.

So, soccer (futbol) is the worst spectator sport. There is almost no scoring, most games are decided on a so-called penalty kick where the rest of the team along with the best scorer tees off against a helpless goal keeper. one nil, ho hum.

The so called Premiere league is especially a joke. Most of the teams suck and haven’t a snowball’s chance in hell of ever winning their class or local league, much less competing with Real Madrid, Barcelona Giants or the São Paulo Indians. It’s hopeless when nobody is going to even try to score a goal until the third period.

On top of that, most of the teams are owned by a guy on the other side of the world. The Sunderland Hot Sox are really the Aramco Hot Sox. How can a city or county take any pride in watching a team that’s owned by someone not in their hemisphere? Qatar and the Emirates are particularly guilty of this sin. In addition, there are teams where nobody on the team is a citizen of the host country. How can you root for that? It’s not prejudice, it’s just nonsense in sports where the underlying tribal nature of the game is denied. How can you possibly pick a side to root for?

The elegance of play in soccer (fotbul) is also much overrated. Watching a bunch of guys or gals stumbling over an inflated pig’s bladder and taking mincing steps to get the ball away from the opposing player without touching them is exceedingly dull watching. This is where the feigned injury comes in: the contestant looking like a mother bird trying to draw a predator away from the nest.

Now, as I’ve stated, I’m not a spectator sports watcher. No fantasy curling or anything like that. But, if I were going to watch something, it certainly wouldn’t be soccer, it would be North American Football or Ice Hockey. Why? Because, unlike soccer, these are fast, high scoring, full contact; tied games are decided by “sudden death overtime” not a penalty kick. Play until the last gladiator falls.

So this brings me to Major League Football. How many ways can I contrast this with the more “international” game of soccer? Well, first of all there is a Minor League Football too. It weeds out the subhumans who cannot compete at the top level MLF (but could still run rings around any soccer team). Now in these Minor Leagues, the players all are supposed to come from the area where each team is affiliated with. Nebraska Corn Huskers, well, you can guess where they come from. This is not a hard and fast rule but they still have to be from the United States. You won’t find any Spanish or (god save us) French South American, or pasty weakling British players. I’d like to see Beckham or Rooney try to take on the Chicago Bear’s defensive line. They’d turn them into posh spice alright. In addition, the teams have to be owned by real Americans not foreign interests. Preferably the owners are affiliated with the geographic area that their team’s name comes from, although it’s not a requirement. But, these aspects can enhance the underlying tribal feel of the American games.

American Football (real football) players (and North American ice hockey players for that matter), have flashy gladiator/video game-like armor that appeals to men, women, and children. Oh, and the LGBTQ+ community as well. Can’t forget them.

These uniforms are both colorful and intimidating; not just a T-shirt, baggy shorts, sissy socks and femme shoes.

The fans. In MLF, unlike soccer (fussbol), most of the spectators actually watch the game, know the rules and are educated at least to the eighth grade. In Europe or Latin America the benchers, as they’re called, rarely pay attention to the contest. Instead they use the outing as an excuse for public intoxication, vandalism, racial slurs and the like. Fortunately the paucity of guns outside the US, at least in Europe, cuts down on the number casualties at the local league fest.

During the game, to fill the better part of a match where nothing is actually happening on the pitch, soccer fans resort to mainly two things besides alcohol: waving huge banners that obscure the views of most of the spectators or engaging in rousing chants of “Deutschland Uber Alles” or the like. None of these have any effect on the game, nor do they enhance the viewers experience, since they occur randomly, and not necessarily when there is a need to celebrate or spur the team on but to otherwise to entertain the spectators when nothing is happening on the field (most of the time).

So finally, if you were going to waste your life watching other people playing children’s’ games on a daily basis, well, the logical choice would not be soccer. How about snooker, bowling, or professional card games? At least they’re indoors and it’s not raining and you can smoke a cigarette while you’re watching or playing.

1 thought on “Major League Football

  1. Self Comment. This baby was whipped off in a frenzy and I apologize for the obvious grammar and punctuation even if this is a reason not an excuse. I DO know better.

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